bother

i feel tired all the time. it isn’t a nice feeling. it’s not about whether I have sufficient rest or whether I am sick or not ( even though I have been sick for awhile and it is definitely taking a toll against me )

I’m tired of trying so hard and getting nothing. I’m tired of being the one that gets hurt. I’m tired of being the loner. I’m tired of being surrounded by people yet I feel alone. I’m tired of yearning for things that don’t exist. I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of crying. i’m tired of using social media. I’m tired of pretending everything is okay and that I am okay. I’m tired of putting out a strong front. I’m tired of people. I’m tired of feeling. I’m tired of hating myself for every pathetic little thing just because I’m not enough. I’m just so tired and I don’t even know why.

i’m alone so much that I can’t remember the last time I felt I wasn’t. I can’t even remember the last time someone bothered to text me. I have so many friends from online friends to just school friends but we don’t text or talk ever. I don’t even know why I have a contact list that I never touch. it’s like I always initiate everything with everyone and sometimes I get so exhausted because it is too much for me to take. I end up pushing everything away.

it’s sad. people never try with me. it’s like they know I’m not worth it.  I won’t say it’s entirely untrue but I question my self worth so often. they say they’re busy but I don’t know i always find it a lame excuse because just saying ” hi ” doesn’t really take much energy. there is always free time some how. it really is if you are willing to bother for someone. I just learnt maybe no one will ever bother for me, besides I’m not worth it. 





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