late night thoughts

its 11:11 and i don’t feel great. there’s a void in me, an emptiness that consumes me and it’s making me feel awful

I don’t like this feeling. 

it makes me want to bang my head against the wall before hitting past a railing and falling off a cliff. it makes me want to shred all I hate into pieces for that moment of relief when it’s all gone and destroyed.  it makes my heart clench in agony as i clutch onto my chest smartingly, hoping the ache will disperse. but it doesn’t go away. it constantly bites on whatever is left that is keeping me sane. it crumbles and chips and tumbles and snaps me. 

I don’t like this feeling.

it feels heavy on my chest, awaiting for it to be relieved but instead it remains. it’s as stubborn as a mull as it stays still in me, growing ever so slightly, trying its very best to kill the last bit of my sanity which I’m holding to so dearly.

I don’t like this feeling

I desperately want to share my feelings. Let the pent up anger and annoyance be released through my relentless words. But the words are unable to drip past my tongue, it barely leaves my stomach and gets stuck between my throat. I end up muttering incoherently because I question every action i commit. I feel alone. I am alone.

I don’t like this feeling

I am uncertain what to feel with a whirlwind of emotions that are tangled into a mere mess that is indecipherable. However, I will leave it there. I will not try to feel better. I will not ask for help. I will not run away nor will I stay to uncode the things I’m feeling. I will wait for the sun to melt it. I will wait for the ice to freeze it. I will wait for it to fly away and leave me for the north. I will wait for the day I’m older and a tad more mature, where I am able to pack these feelings nicely into a bag where I clearly state 11:11. I will eye the package before holding it onto my lap, reopening it and reminiscing the memories that are filled with sorrow and joy and frustration and loneliness. it’ll be over for some time and I’ll be over it as well. 

I will not cry then and I will not cry now. 

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