that’s all I’ve been doing and that’s all I have to do, right ? it’s just been a mess for me, I haven’t been doing well and there’s so much more for me to do but there’s so little time. I haven’t been writing because I’ve just lost a lot of confidence in writing anything that makes sense and even now I’m merely rambling. i just feel so incompetent and everything feels so hard. I’m not doing well in things I’ve always been good at and I’m just been doing worse and worse in things I’ve excelled in.
there’s so many unsaid expectations. nothing is said but I feel so much. I feel like I’m not performing to standard and i just really want to do well. my parents don’t say much about my grades but I know they expect me to do well like I usually do. they don’t utter a word about it, they say it’s okay it’s fine but deep down inside I know it’s not fine.
all my life I only study. I would say it’s the thing that I hold onto dearly and it’s the only thing in life that really matters. I hardly go out much, i just stay cooped inside the comforts of my room and I like it. I like studying, honestly. I won’t know what I’d be doing in life if I wasn’t studying. i just don’t push myself to study hard enough. never have I ever given my 100% to studying despite all these ” studying “. the most I’ve given maybe is my 60% or perhaps even less. I don’t really put in much effort and i just spend so much time procrastinating which is awful of me to do so. just right now, I want to prove to so many people including myself that I can do well, that I’m worth so much more.
you see, the less i study, the worse i do. it is all I am worth and yet I still don’t do it enough. I really question where all the wasted time has gone to but nothing can be done. it’s too late for me to get back the time wasted and I can only work even harder now. I suppose it’s not too late if I try now, but stu(dying) is just really tiring. but I guess if I don’t wake up now, it’s too late.