negativity at its best

this post is an absolute contradiction of the things I usually write and think of. do excuse the rambling and the nonsense.
I’m generally a positive person despite the way I carry myself. I may not always have a smile on my face with this perfectly positive outlook in life but rest assured, I am positive as ever. I just don’t see the reason of being negative since it won’t do any good and it would merely worsen the situation, so I tend to see the light of every situation. I always tell myself this, even in the black, there would be a lighter shade of black and thus even in the toughest times, there will be light. but just this once, I’d like to be negative. let me plunge into abject misery. let out the silent cries that I’ve kept within, the thoughts that I bury with positivity. 
sometimes I wished I didn’t exist. in a world without me, how beautiful would it have been. im just such a flawed creature, there’s so much I can’t do. I can’t sing or dance. I can’t draw or write. i don’t have any talents or something I’m particularly good at, everything about me is just mediocre. I never had a flair in anything I do, always only producing average results that most would be capable of. despite the fact of being so average at everything, I don’t do much to be more, which is horrendous of me. I barely know what I’m doing in life.
I always feel so under appreciated. the effort I put in for the things I do is always overlooked and unnoticed. people leave me as they please. they only come to me when they need me or when they’re in trouble. I wish they knew that I’m not some back up friend and beneath my exterior unattractive appearance lays so much more. it’s just everything is so tiring and I’m already exhausted. 

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