progress ( or the lack thereof )

So it has been awhile since i've posted something, anything at all in fact. It's not that i haven't been writing, it's just that i've been writing much slower and less consistently than i should have. I have a couple of half written drafts which i will post in due time. I blame myself and the lack of time due to examinations, but mostly myself for the lack of discipline and confidence. 

Warning: This post is slightly different from my usual posts because it isn't like my usual writings. It's more like me rambling about my thoughts about a bunch of things which i'm not quite sure where to placed, so in other words it's more boring and long. I figured it's my blog so i should do what i want and say what i want. I feel like i've deviated from my initial intentions. Everything feels more rehearsed and edited than it used to be, but hopefully i can go back to writing more and expressing more and growing to be better again

I've been thinking a lot lately about a lot of things, a tad too vague but i'll carry on. 

So for starters, i've been thinking about the future a lot. What do i want to study ? What kind of people do i wish to keep in my life for a long time ? What are my plans ? How am i going to go about achieving it ? After much thought, I still don't have answers. I think i'm not the only one who feels this way about the future. There is much uncertainty, yet i am also rather hopeful to see how things would be like a few years down the road.

I'm still young, but i'm feeling jaded. I am tired of not being appreciated and taken advantage of by person after person.I'm trying to feel better lately by learning to accept and love myself more. I'm trying to be selfishly happy while surrounding myself with people who are positives influences in my life. It's me discarding people and rotten things i don't want lying around anymore.  It's quite simple, if you care, you would want me in your life and i will see it and appreciate it. If you don't, then fuck off. I come in a package of everything, i am loud and soft, sweet and sour, hot and cold. I am a handful of better parts as well as flaws so you just have to make do with whatever there is.   

Moving on, writing has been quite a challenge for me, especially stress from school and the lack of time. Whenever i write, i feel like i could be doing something more productive such as studying more or sleeping more so that i can study more. Plus, i'm not feeling the most confident about the way i write. The thought that it just doesn't cut it has been bothering me for awhile. There's no reason for me to have to post perfectly punctuated proper pieces ( i just wanted to fit alliteration somewhere in this ) since i'm not a full time writer. Heck, there's no possibility that i can be a full time writer because of my nonexistent writing ability. 

A part of me knows that i don't have to write well to write, which means that i have every right to write. Another part of me feels like i shouldn't write because i'm not good enough. I just hate to see myself struggle so much and to love something so much but be so bad at it. I want to be good someday and i am fully aware that being good is relative and i shouldn't be so harsh on myself. But then again, i am merely being realistic and i truly wonder when will i ever be good in my own eyes. 

On a brighter note, someone told me that i shouldn't stop because he sees value in me and my writings. He said that even if i don't go anywhere, i should continue to do what i love. I don't even have to be good to anyone ever, i just have to enjoy it. Enjoy reading things that you'll never be able to compare your writings to and the pain of having writer's block and the trouble of using the thesaurus and dictionary all the time and the process of struggling and the journey of writing. He mentioned that i should read, imitate and write and read, imitate and write and force myself to be displicined. One day, i'll have my own style that i can be truly proud of and let words flow out of my head like a water as it spills all over paper. 

P.S: I wrote this in one sitting. That's all i wanted to say. 

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7 thoughts on “progress ( or the lack thereof )”

  1. Hello Baestasia,

    First of all, thank you so much for following my blog. It seems that you’re currently down with an immense amount of workload – and i completely can comprehend how it feels like when you desire to write whilst keeping it 100% for real-life work. I’ve also noticed you self-deprecate a lot – and I think this sort of negativity propels you to improve. But I think you’re doing well and you’re perfectly clear what you desire to do – even if you are dragged down by your deficiencies and insecurities.

    Cheers!
    Chenyangk

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  2. This is tragically beautiful. Keep writing. Keep reading. You have no style and you have plenty of style. Nobody does yet we all do. The perceived style which we hope to form will never present itself to us through our own eyes, and it will be drastically different depending on the reader. I read this through and didn’t turn away my eyes while doing so. I’d say your writing is doing what’s it’s supposed too. We all have rough times. Head up.

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  3. Writing is always for one person alone… Self. We must write what’s in our hearts, and if that takes time so be it, but if you are writing to be perfect and allowing yourself to be consumed with perfection or what others may think. You should always be true to yourself. Being kind and considerate is always the right path, but that also means being kind and considerate of yourself. I am glad to see you post again. I hope to hear your feedback on my own posts in the future.

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